LIFE Line

I was holding my child crying and from above me a heard a voice, taking the sound and tone of a familiar voice call down to me from above saying “Michelle! Stop caring what everyone thinks your LIFE is on the line. The word stood out, life, my life was in jepority but I could not comprehend how. I sat there I stayed, I couldn't understand the meaning of any of these things, I had intuition and knowledge, but ignored it, as i couldn't perceive it correctly. Later, that day, another day maybe, it was hard to decern as this dimension was timeless, both happening instantaneously and out of order, was came before did not logically make sense and what came after felt as before. But, another time, I was on the ground, I could not stand up in the face of such great shame, on the ground I begged, too much has been taken, too much of my self ripped from me. My self esteem, my identity, peace, happiness, joy, all was ripped out of my very being, and I was unable to stand on my feet and so I begged, “its too much. You've taken too much. And, left there on the ground alone I cried in darkness.” I told my husband, “please dont leave me”, and in the darkness, i can still see it in my mind, my house was dark, my vision was dark, it was all dark and he said, “Leave you? You have a redemption ark.” And, I remember thanking him, instead of remembering my redeemer, Jesus Christ, for before any of this happened I had not lived a faithful life. I had lived a good and honest life, but not one of faith, so when the time came to seek God, to remember I was redeemed already, I thanked my husband. I cried out in the darkness, i am afraid you will hurt me, you are staying to punish me, and he said “I have already hurt you Michelle.” I still dont know what that means, I suspect I never will, but near three years later, as life calmed down, I had a wave of this revisit me, a wave of something that the world calls delusions, what i believe to be a break with the veil, a seeing that which is beyond this world, and the syncronities happened again, and all at once i saw the ending. First it came as messages, a book wouldn't stop playing on my kindle, it kept playing the last chapter of a book, the chapter was titled “Ending credits.” Again, my intuition told me, its telling you something, but i both ignored it and once again couldn't understand it. Leading up to this my son cried out to me for weeks, “Mom, stop smoking. Mom, stop smoking!” Once he even held on to my leg as I was trying to step out to smoke, and begged, for the last time in this specific manner “Mom, if you dont stop smoking. I will die.” I talked to him once about these things, this pleading, why do you beg me and not your father this way? And he said, “Because you will lose me, and i like you more.” During the days of the ending credits, at least the days in which the book would not stop autoplaying this part of a book. I came in from smoking, and he said to me “well, mom, you lost me. Ill be okay mom, for the rest of my life. Ill be okay.” The memory is seared, why was he begging me in this way? Of course, after all that had happened, and me knowing there is more to this world than we are able to witness or perceive, i started strictly keeping him from cigarette smoke, would not allow him outside or near us at all while we smoked, but i didn't quit. Amazing what we will sell our souls for. I did start taking chantix, i did start working towards quitting, but i didn't quit. I started receiving other intuitive messages, things we cannot explain in our world, something beyond.

Then, it was like a life force swept through my life, but felt more like a leaving of this life force. God is life, he brings the gift of life, but it is not in human life as we perceive, it is an essence, a life force that animates the world and all that is within. Some tie it to a universal consciousness, a state of energy that is beyond us, yet we can tap into, we can take part of. And all the people in my life, in perfect synchronization started to say things to me, as they had in the past when I was perceiving something beyond. My son said, “You've lost me. Ill be okay mom, for the rest of my life, ill be okay.” My brothers and sisters, father and mother started saying “You are not forgotten. Ill come back for you.” The last of which, if i recall correctly was “You have One day.” I said “one day to do what??” And my father said, “to do whatever God is asking you to do.” And other things of a unique nature and then I felt it, this force, it swept away as with the wind and it was gone.

The next day, I walked into my kitchen and my husband, eyes closed for just a second said “you choose wrong. Im sorry Michelle.” And after a bit, he says “This is hell.” And then comments on the pizza not having enough pepperoni. I said nothing in response, and he said “youre still seeing things from another angle.” And he was right, I was, but i had not said that. I faned ignorance, “why do you say that? And he says because you took my comment about pepperoni to mean something else.” I said, “No, I didn't. You meant about the pizza?” And he said, “yes. I thought you took it another way.” I said that I didn't.

As we drove our son to school the next day I could help these recurrent thoughts about how time can sometimes drag on for ever and ever, like we are these eternal beings, who are meant to exist outside this plane free, running with the essence of life, being one with the universal consciousness. How this felt like eternity, like it was dragging. Do we even move through time or are we a witness to ever changing events outside of our awareness. If we were timeless watching a play unfold, the characters change even age, the scene is moved around behind the curtain, but we are just watching it unfold rather than moving within it.

I hugged and kissed my son goodbye for the day and he said “Dad, the sun has left this world” and my husband said “yes, it did.” He got out and I asked why he would say that, he said he didn't know. Words come through us, all of us, and they speak to those who need to hear, but they are not always our words, and we do not always understand why we spoke them. The chapter had stopped playing every day, the ending credits rolled, and I was left behind, in hell.

Then it started happening again, darkness came on the world, and as this world would say my mental state started to quickly decline. Once again I was full of dred, of a fear I could not place, could not comprehend, excential dred. A voice inside me said, “the second coming of christ is not a big event, it is a whisper” and whispers in my ears i heard, “Run now! Take your son and run. Just leave.” But I couldn't understand why I was leaving, or where I would even go.

This fear struck me so deeply I began asking for a divorce, sleeping in another room, trying to piece together what was happening. I could feel darkness again, the aloneness, the dark presence in my life or my own consciousness, where ever these things stem from. I began reading the bible and considering the shadow of death, what it means. It feels sometimes as if we are watching shadows in time, like we are trapped living through something that has already happened. The eternal soul, and eternal “now” is ever present. We rely too much on trusting what we think we see in front of us, or what someone tells you that you see, instead of relying on what the heart is saying. My heart had fear, my heart said, run. I dont know what compelled me to do it. I emailed Derek, I told him I was scared, something bad was happening. Then I deleted it, and in fear told my husband and everyone about it. Asked for my family to reach out more, that i felt in darkness. This persistent feeling, this fear, this drive to follow truth and christ, whatever that meant continued. On the 3rd time I text Derek, I walked into my kitchen, and my husband taking the voice he takes when im “in an altered state of consciousness” says “you have made a GRAVE mistake.” I felt it, the fear, the guilt, and fanning ignorance again asked “why did he say that? I said why did you say grave mistake like that?” And he said, “i dont know. Well, there is a reason I said that, but your whole countenance just changed.” Countenance… i have never heard someone use the word countenance in modern day, my countenance changed? And he recognized it?

Often times living in the house in Oklahoma I found it impossible to sleep. I would wake all hours of the night, and go outside to smoke, most times my husband followed me. At night I began crying, pouring out my heart, the things I've done, the guilt I carried. I started to explain i didn't want to live this way, this horrible cycle where im swinging between tears, fear, and allowing these things to fester, in isolation, to the point where I would find myself texting this person again. I felt if I didn't leave, and leave urgently I was just going to continue to live this way. Like a hell dimension where you just keep repeating the same patterns, cheat, confess, cry, and do it all over again. It felt as if I had spent a number of years crying on the patio about this.. living this way. I said I wanted a divorce, and he said, “Michelle you do not understand what you do.” And I felt as a little lamb living in the darkness again. He said, “dont you get what this is all about yet? Stop caring about yourself. I am scared for you, I actually am, you think im worried about me? No, im scared for you.”

I started having regular panic attacks. I chose wrong, I didn't follow christ, I was cast down to hell. I started telling my husband, I need to follow christ and truth. Something was spoken to me, I feel it within, I've been reading the Bible and I believe this is why Christ warns we will be persecuted for truth, the world will not believe the things that God has shown me.

That evening my son came outside our house and said “Dad i see something in the sky, like a wolf with teeth.” And my husband said, “That is Fenrir at Ragnarök.” I had never studied Norse mythology. Fenrir was entirely new to me. What did that mean? The end of the world battle was happening now? This is not a war i want to fall on the wrong side of. When we went inside the house smelled of sulfur from some standing dishes in the sink. The air felt like hell. I had to get on a plane and leave, immediately. I had to do something to stand with Jesus Christ, in truth, whatever that meant I wasn't even entirely certain.

I had so much fear inside me when I got out at the airport I kissed my son and he said “come back in 7 days. 7 days mom.” And they left, i went inside to baggage claim and there was no one to check my bag. I waited and waited, hesitated, but my bad was too large to take with me. I called my husband back to pick me up. I wasn't sure what to do. He said, “you should probably go, for for (44) your family.” While we spoke, I looked back to see the baggage attendant there, speaking with someone else. So I said goodbye again, gave my hugs, went back inside and she was gone. I thought maybe this is a sign that I should stay with my family, choose my family. So I went home.

I called my dad and told him I didn't get on the plane. I asked, “that was a mistake right?” And he said, “yes.” I said, “is it too late, maybe I can go tomorrow?” He said, “i dont know… Do you still feel it?” Feel it? Feel what?

I had another conversation with my husband that night,

On another night, he was as a dark figure, such as a shadow. I was asking him questions and I remember all his answers were im just like you. We went out to dinner and I said it was as if the veil was dropped and he said, “i dont want to hurt you either. What do you see”

I started seeing messages everywhere - “what i give to you I can take from you”

It was like all different shadows were appearing in front of me. Shadows of my life, my past, my mistakes, everything and everyone was a mirror into who I was, I was watching my life played out through the people I knew and loved. There was no separation, just me completely naked ego-wise, and everyone else a mirror inside myself.