Darkness over Light

Light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.

I remember sitting on the couch. I felt like i was a sociopath, like i was void of feelings, and felt insecure about it. I said, sometimes i just dont cry, and later I was crying so hard and he came up close to me ans said “look not tears” in regards to himself… as if he did not have any feeling or sympathy towards me.

I thought everyone was trying to set me up and make me say things that could be taken out of context and held against me. It was so bad I became afraid to speak at all. Feeling that whatever I said would somehow be recorded and used against me later. So I just shut my mouth tightly, walked into the bedroom and laid down, I remember he laid behind me and said “I want you trapped. Don't be scared” but I was terrified, like a chill ran through me.

I didn't know where to run or what to do. I was completely manic, running around crazy. I felt that everyone was watching everything i did, eyes on me constantly, like maybe cameras or just being broadcast to the world like I was YouTube famous but it was a secret, like i was on the tremen show and everyone was in on it but me. I had no idea where to run.

Things started bleeding together, I was having an affair with a plumber, and suddenly an old coworker of mine came to us saying he was opening a plumbing company, everything got more and more surreal. I had a meeting about that client and believed I was in some kind of sting, panic ran through me and I was driving to get coffee with my dad.

He kept saying you are not that person, you are human Michelle. Later I was with my son and he said “he will bring you back” as I was in spirit. I hid in darkness because I was having an affair, on many drugs, and believed i was being set up somehow, that he was trying to frame me so he could take my son.

I stood in the driveway saying people thought I was a monster, he said “choose me. Choose me Michelle, I will protect you.” I couldn't think clearly, I didn't see, this is when it was to call on god to protect me, but I didn't think to, I was so afraid. So I kept running to him despite feeling deep fear and that i was being led down the wrong path. He kept yelling “the truth you set you free” but I was in pure terror. I dont even know if the freeing truth was my affair or if the affair thing was a distraction from some other truth I was meant to be realizing.. like we are in a simulation, oppressed and played with on this earth. I knew something huge was happening, but I was so focused on my guilt, my shame, my fears, my assumptions and beliefs that I couldn't see this was the gates of heaven and hell, and so I choose hell. I chose to stay.. here, which I now see as an oppressive place harvesting souls, for what gain, I do not know. When eve is given sight into true evil, the Bible means it.. realizing their are demons and angels out there that can manipulate you, perhaps control you, definitely alter your thoughts… and cause great suffering, and they seem to want to or at least have absolutely no concern for us. And here I was given a chance to escape, to choose god, love, freedom… but then kept choosing this world, death, destruction.. and I dont even understand fully why, low self esteem i suppose, a desire to be loved. I was knocking on heavens door and i turned and ran right into hell. I remember laying on the bed and him saying “the fear subsides over time.” I had deep fear where I was. I imagined a dark place all alone for a long long time - outer darkness. This is where I am, outer darkness. I mistakenly rejected Christ's free gift of salvation. I didn't understand. I didn't k ow how to accept it. I thought i was supposed to choose my family, and so I kept going that was despite a strong feeling that he didn't have my best interests in mind. He said “ill stay with you until youre mentally healthy Michelle. Its for selfish reasons, trust me.” These reasons have to do with trapping souls here.. something. This light came through my world, but the light is a light on your heart, your true thoughts, intentions and desires, and with light will come deep shadows, and the shadows came for me and they took me. They screamed at me, tore into my soul, shredded parts inside me I didn't know could be destroyed, stole, destroyed and killed body, mind and soul.

It felt at times I was being mind controlled and at other times brain washed, it felt once that I was being taken into a computer system, that he somehow uploaded my consciousness into a computer system and I just.. I went along with thse things, I didn't know where to go, I didn't know to call on Jesus, every door was closed (family refused me) the only place to go would have been to him, but I was too afraid. So I was “behaving” behaving like a fucking slave it seems and I just want to be on God's side. But im so lost, and in the darkness I dont even know how to get there. I know I made some wrong turns, but it seems the key is to learn to live in the absolute “now” which would mean following feelings, not faces or memories. It seemed there were dozens of Jason's, different apparition and appearances.. like the person you're seeing is not always the soul youre talking to, shared consciousness, but when you are deeply in it there are individual presences that could come in and out of the face you see. So you have to have discernment, of which i have zero. I dont know which way would follow god. The way I was told and felt back during “truth” or is the way now different, maybe there is just no way to god anymore.

I was being shown something, something really scary, and truth is think of what were living in.. earth, I think is hell, the soul trap. Christ is the only one to beat it, to die, but he never had sin so he wasn't trapped back in the cycle, he became free. When we are being liberated, we began to see the mirror, we are living in an illusion and the illusion begins to break away, people know all your secrets (because they are you, or part of you), the dark parts of you are highlighted because you are finally seeing that you are naked, in front of everyone, because everyone is One. And if you dont follow christ, the truth, and the light, you become eternally trapped alone, knowing youre alone but having not followed life. The door to heaven is narrow because you have to cross through it during this time of awakening, but i was too afraid at what the light was showing me that I did not follow, I followed darkness because my deeds were evil and I didn't want them reproved - the way the truth and the life left.. and now I am in outer darkness.